STEP FOUR: How To Binge

On night that you don't have to work the next day, you can have a non-stop party and get drunk. But, still, try not to drink to the point where other people hate you. You don't want to put on women's clothing in public more than two or three times and you don't want to be humping the leg of your best friend's girlfriend like a dog even though you may feel like it at the time. Here are a few more rules to keep in mind:

• Don't Puke

• Don't Not Remember Things

• Don't Operate Anything Greater Than A Child-Proof Lighter

• Don't Commit Any Crimes You Can't Get Away With

Whatever you do, never go to meetings. That's the first sign of an alcoholic.