{NETBOOKS II Summer-Fall 2005}

OK. It has been well over a year since I've divulged the crazy things I jot down in my notebook. This whole thing is probably a bad idea and I should just write a public blog about my extremely ironic life but I would have to change the names of all the real life characters and I bet I would regret it. For now I'll stick with the program. So if you've seen me writing in my notebook between sips of rum and coke here's some of the crap I found in it later:

Every Woman Is Different

they all have different
attitudes, preferences, vaginas, quirks, insanities.
not in a bad way but in a glorious way.
women are truly spiritual snowflakes.

NOSEPICKER (a really bad song)

I know the world's biggest secret
a secret so bad you don't even want to hear it.
everybody knows it yet nothing is said
the media exposes it only when they are dead

Einstein: Nosepicker!
Abraham Linclon: Nosepicker!
Elvis: Nosepicker!
Marilyn Monroe: She picked her nose.

(At my bus stop each morning I see commuters picking their noses in the imagined privacy of their cars. It's a silent social epidemic! Imagine a History Channel documentary about famous nosepickers in history)

NEW CANADA (a silly song about the effects of global warming)

let me tell you a story about the future
a future where the world has gone dry
global warming has finally come to fruition
and everyone in Canada must die.

Oh sure, they've been our best friends
and nothing beats humor and hockey
but the law of conquest states
the earth's most habitable place
must step aside for the attackers to reside
history will see the irony of such a premise
the back-stabbing, cold-blooded, moral human blemish
it was a place that used to seem so safe
and now it will become a perfect haven to rape

and pillage the common sense
the human ego already got up and left
thank someone's God the US won't survive
their neighbors to the south are wanted dead or alive

you think that's not what they might think
but I offer you the missing link:
A new global temperature, a new name
we'll call it New Canada and everyone's to blame

Vancouver on the beach!
The Yukon Hotel Conference Ballroom!
When there's no room left on the planet
New Canada will grab it

THE MOST EMBARRASSING PLAY IN FOOTBALL

Player who think's he's scored a touchdown at the 5-yard line. Once crossing the "five" he dances, or dives, or taunts, or hands the ball to the ref. Seconds later he is pummeled by the opposing team and fumbles.

APOCALYPSE VEHICLES

If the mini-hummer exists, why not Apocalypse Vehicles?
The Dodge Escape Pod: Compact, roomy and comfortable.
The Chrysler Evacumobile! -Tent, standard.

MIDGET VIDEO

Hire midgets to trash your band equipment and the end of your music video.

Early Evening Drink

feeling uncomfortable
in a non-crowded pub
where every bar stool
is booked.
nine guys facing a wall
emptiness behind them
possibility ahead in the
brick wall mirror.

SAVING THE DEMOCRATS
Here's how the democrats can win the next election: Just change their colors to red!
It would confuse everyone. It might force the Republicans to change their colors, too or else it would be Red State-Red State on the TV map. No one would know who's winning because people are stupid.
(Of course the Republicans should retaliate by offing Bush themselves.
If they assassinate him in timely fashion before the next election the worst president in US history will become a martyred hero and the democrats won't be able run on the back of his buffoon legacy.)